A delicious new year has dawned, full of promise and opportunity...but I find myself feeling impatient and wanting to press an imaginary fast forward button to propel me into the future.
I want things Im dreaming and thinking about to have already manifested, for the paintings Im doodling in the back of my mind to already sit colourfully in frames...for the new business venture my partner is undertaking to have passed through the tough fledgling stages and made it into a strong established company.
But life doesnt work like that.
We each have to traverse some rocky terrain at times in order to achieve what we desire or dream of. We have to deal with all manner of emotions that arise as we walk the path towards creating something new. For me, as well as joy, happiness and elation these feelings can also be deep frustration, anger, fear and terror...
I feel frustration that I dont have enough time to paint, print, write, whatever. I feel cheated and pained by lack of time.
I feel angry that when I do have a few hours to paint, it doesnt always happen that I feel creatively inspired.
I feel fear and terror at the sensation of nothing happening...at times it feels like life has stalled, is not going anywhere and there is a heaviness that remains in my belly.
But deep down I know I hold the key to make new pockets of time, to barter with myself over what would be a more nourishing thing to do...change the beds or sketch out some new painting ideas for half an hour while the little one naps....? Thats an easy one, the beds can be done later with the little one helping as she loves to throw herself in the duvets and makes changing the beds so much more fun anyway.
I can also trade an hour of evening tv for more creative time.
Already, the pressure is off - no longer am I fearing never having enough time to do what I want, Im making it happen bit by bit. And if it transpires that I dont feel inspired at that time, it can wait. Time is flexible, we can shuffle things about til it does feel like the right time.
Slowly the feeling of fear and terror subside, as with each step towards making time and creating art I feel as if I am moving forward. Time travels alongside life, and unfolds at its own pace - there are no fast forward buttons, all is as it should be.
This year promises miracles and opportunities, Im looking for them right now - I am lucky to have 24 hours this day to play with, and I intend to make the most of them.
What about you?